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Jordan's traveling groove circus

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

11:13AM - a recent song

After the sun has set
After the words been said
After your heart is racing
And there is aching in your head

When your options are running out
When your mind is on overdrive
When you think if they were to leave you now
That you couldn’t stay alive

There is no turning back
After the word has echoed out
When you desperately want to take back what you said
But the stairs and confusions are lost in your head

Don’t let go
Keep striving on
No matter what it takes
keep moving along
You can’t stay still
Its sink or swim
Don’t let her walk out that room
With out letting her in


D on’t hide your eye
I n your hands for long
V ictory can come
O ver a journey so long
R ide it out don’t
C hange your mide
E verything will heal in its own time.

Monday, November 29, 2004

12:59AM - stuck.

Stuck. you ever feel stuck? you don’t move forward and you cant quite retrace your steps anywhere. Its pretty easy to stay stuck because there is no real danger in doing so. Like losing your car keys; what if instead of getting your spare set or retracing back to where you may have dropped them, you just cancel going anywhere and not worry about it.
For the past year almost this is exactly where I’ve been. Im not sure if there are any of you left who still would read this thing but who cares, here it goes.
When I got back from Venezuela on dec 15 2004 .you would never see again a bigger smile on my face. While I had enjoyed the majority of my time back in VZ I longed to be back home where everyone spoke English and there air was not so moist. When I stepped off the plane I saw 10 of the greatest people I will ever meet there to greet me. I felt truly loved. As the weeks progressed however I found it hard to adapt back American life. I soon found that smile drifting off my face more often than not. I felt like God had changed me in Venezuela. I finally had felt truly independent. But here I was in America feeling so disconnected from my family and friends. My heart grew tired.
The day before I was scheduled to go back to VZ I suddenly grew into a panic for some reason I really did not want to go back. I was almost afraid; of what I do not know. However, I knew that I needed to go back to finish what I had started.. to complete my chosen task. Alas, when I arrived at the air port the next morning my passport was no where to be found. I flew back home to look for but it was no where to be found. I was lost, distraught, I felt in agony of the enormous screw that I was. How I culd I have been so stupid? Why did I not check that the night before? These questions racked my brain. All the while I felt more and more guilty.
The next months I learned to cope with life here. I got a job at circuit city and become more involved with mary who had gone with me to Venezuela we grew closer while I seemed to grow farther from everything. Guilt racked my head dayley and it seemed as though I would never adjust to life here. I felt so incomplete like there was something that I needed to finish a task that lay ahead. This progressed until april when I finally gave up. During this time I was not so much depressed as just extremely introverted. I chose to hide my emotions inside of me. Stuffing them in to my bottomless pipe bomb. Mary and I had been dating for a while but it was at that time that I finally broke up with. Not because I didn’t like her but because I couldn’t deal with myself. My own guilt and shame kept me from connected with anyone. This month would also be the last time I would see my father until the present. I bought him a book for his birthday took it to his house, talked for a while then walked out his house. I waited for him to call me, to write me, to act like he cared about me, but it never came. My birthday would pass without even a courtesy card. Over the summer I finally learned to forgive my self for not holding up to my own exaggerated standards for my self. I thought that then I would finally be able to connect with God again. I had feltso dry for the past 6 months without feeling his touch. In the fall I began college at VCU. Between my classes and work I was pretty busy. Some of my closer friends though I was too busy. I don’t know. I felt like I needed to be. I had to pay for school and I wanted to make good grades. But, where did my priorities lay; apparently now where they should have. I find my self tonight writing this entry hoping to reconnect with people that probably feel I shoved them out of my life. These past few weeks have been intense. My aunt died, school got busy, mary got really sick, thanksgiving came and gone without a call from my dad, and im now approaching Christmas. In a few weeks it will be the 15 of December. Where have I come. I haven’t moved. The keys are sitting somewhere in this house. My spare one are hanging by the door. Maybe,its time to just grab those ones and forget the old.
I want to start over. Im sorry ive been such a prick.

Current mood: pensive

Monday, March 22, 2004

11:49PM

My sister got lucky
Married a yuppie
took him for all he was worth

now shes a swinger
dating a singer
I cant decide which is worse

But not meeee , babyyy
I got you too save meee
your so bad ( the good kind)
the best thing i ever had
in a world gone mad
your so bad

My sisters ex-husband
cant get no lovin
walks around dogfaced and hurt

now hes got nothin
head in the oven
I cant decide which is worse

but not meee babbyyy
Ive got you to save me
your so bad
this best thing i ever had
in a world gone mad
your so bad

Current mood: geeky

Tuesday, March 2, 2004

10:58PM - Song to my dad

The keys are here and the engines gassed, where have i gone in these years ive past? I know that there's an answer waiting there. So, take my heart and mend it well. remove me from my ironed cell, and clothe me in the dreams I've held so long, till i know. where have all the great men gone? the boy child's dream of the Stetson-ed strong, are they still here? or, are they long gone? does a boy not need a man to grow him still? show me a man that will stand upright. hold his children in his arms so tight. tell them that he loves so true they know. where have all the great men gone. I turn the key to drive away, look in my mirror only to see his face, staring back with all the scars he left me, someday I'll know whats true. where have all the great men gone?

Current mood: depressed

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

12:03AM - Time

Wicked brute! Changing when eyes are turned. Killing men for what? Another hour of your life! Turning steel to dust. Changing faces to prunes. Turning friends to foe then back again. I know your plan! dont trick me again! changing moutains to hills. Glory to history. love to a mistery as to what joy it brings. you took my money! you took my friends! you'll take my life if I give you a chance! I suppose i will. I've come too far to do it myself. 2001

Current mood: artistic

Thursday, November 13, 2003

1:00PM - 4 weeks 3 days

Captain`slog:
We our now within our 6th week of commission here in The Land of the Guaros. The overal moral of the team is down but we continue to trudge onto our goalof 10 weeks.
Many of the problems that we are facing are mainly due to a distinct decrease in our D.A.E.L (daily average energy level.)Each night, it apears, the amount of dormitory lack of consciouness decreases and therefore effects whole of our bodily functions. It apears that high amount of poisonous gas in the air has finally began to effect our sensory and motor skills. I would like to add,in regards to the poisonous gas, that with the amount of CO2 emited Barquisimeto, that it alone is responsible for both the hole in the Ozone layer and Global warming general
As of last sunday I realized that it will be necessary for me to undergo oral surgery to extract what the natives call ones "cordales" that is to say in the common tongue "wisdom teeth."
Although our position here may apear to ber in Dire Straights I do not believe that our moneyhas been for nothing nor have the kicks been for free.

Current mood: complacent

Tuesday, October 14, 2003

11:29AM - im not dead

Well, here i am.
In the great land of venezuela. where the people are called guaros and everything is fried. but, its a good place. not too bad. the people are really nice and im learning how to actually talk to them. but i miss home. fall is my favorite time of year. i love the colors, the smells, football games, being in a non-tropical enviornment and most of all the feeling of a new year of my life in the great city of Richmond.

well, gotta go.
but for love of god call me or write me.,

my cell number. yes my cell number. is
014-528-1948 and my email address is sunkneyeball yahoo.com
i miss all you people so you better contact me... or else!haha

Current mood: hopeful

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

3:16PM - Live From New York!

I'm in New York today and will be here till friday morning.
since my arrival at 12:30... here are a few things I've seen.

-Buddist meditating on the street
-atleast 10 rude people that I have run into
- lots of cool bridges
-no parking spots
- sum Harlem thugs
- a Harlem thug playing 80's Madonna as loud as he can
- lots of fire hidrants
- a elevator with a swinging door
- thousands of women who were high heels with everything
- thousands of men wearing business suits
-a $10,000,000.00 5th avenue apartment that looks as though it was takin straight out of Hichcocks "Rope"
- a huge whole wear 3,000 men and women "just trying to make a buck"(bob dillon) died.
-the desolate streets of the once glorious Brookland remained-
- the almost abandoned bourdwalks of Coney Island
- an enormous rat in Central park
- the media overload of Time square
- and finally a million busy men and women all without somewhere very important to be.
ahhh, what a great city this must be.

Current mood: anxious

Saturday, August 16, 2003

11:53AM - Advice to you

I strongly suggest:

Cold showers in the morning because it feels adventurous

walking like a model because it makes you feel good

doing little dances while walking as if the "beat" is going on

wearing clean underwear, looking in the mirror and saying "damn, I'm sexy "

declaring that something needs to be "restructurmentated"'

eating Gold fish crackers and feeling guilty because they are all smiling at you

Not using slang words that dont fit your dialect. such as: "Slammin","ice", "sick"

looking around every once in a while to really see whats going on.

yelling " stop talking to me" when its just you and a stranger in an elevator.

wearing corduroy because it feels good

not trying to be normal but trying to be you

saying " screw em'" when you feel the pressure to conform. because, there's more to life than just fitting in.

but most of all:

remember this: everyone needs a home

Current mood: awake

Wednesday, July 16, 2003

5:58PM - "Why doest thou quiver man?"

Francois Boissier de Sauvages de la Croix (1706-1776) was one of the first to describe what we commonly know as Parkinson's Disease. He described different types of scelotyrbe and referred to PD as scelotyrbe festinans ("running disturbance of the limbs"). He described those afflicted as showing resistance, and sometimes tripping, when trying to walk.

But it was James Parkinson that is responsible for decribing most of the other symptoms associated with the disease. He published a 66 page paper in 1817, titled, An Essay on the Shaking Palsy. Parkinson, for whom the disease is named after, included scelotyrbe festinans as one of the symptoms in his essay, but he recognized that the outward appearance of the disease was much more complex than originally predicted.

It wasn't until 1841 that Marshall Hall incorporated Parkinson's term, shaking palsy, into the medical language. Before then it was referred to by its Latin name, paralysis agitans.

In 1877, two famous scientists studied the tremor, characteristic of PD. Jean-Martin Charcot analyzed the writing of those affected by the disease. He studied the position of their hands and the tremor while writing. He noticed the thick irregular lines and was able to differentiate between the tremor usually seen in those with multiple sclerosis from the tremor characteristic of paralysis agitans. William Gowers, in 1886, recorded the tracings of the tremor pattern. He used a metal rod and attached one end to a trembling part of the body (usually a hand) and the other to a rotating drum covered with smoky paper. He found that as the disease progressed, the patterned tremor decreased in frequency and increased in size.

In the late 19th and early 20th centuries, Kinnier Wilson started writing about the mental symptoms seen in PD patients. He noted that depression and irritability were the most common. By the early 1960's, Charcot had become very involved in researching PD. He was a leading neurologist of the time and agreed with Parkinson's account of the disease, but he criticized his lack of including rigidity as a key symptom of the disease.

Current mood: determined

Sunday, July 13, 2003

12:02AM - The tree of Dreams and visions

Sometimes things arnt as they seem.
Sometimes what you thought you didnt want, you actuall do.
sometimes what you think is right is not.
sometimes you live your life by convincing yourself that certain things are true and need not be worried with.

The things i fear most in life are deception and skitzofrenia.
The worst feeling I've ever had was the feeling that i have decieved myself into believing certain things.
the feeling of being taken in.the feeling that I'm just another one in the crowd that tried and failed.

I felt certain things to be true. the tree that i ate from i thought was different. I thought that what i had discovered was the right one. I was different.
Im wrong. maybe im not different maybe i have to look harder just like everyone else. but the fruit that i ate was so good. it felt so right.
what if they are wrong.

Current mood: disappointed

Wednesday, July 9, 2003

12:12AM - History of my life (part 1)

If you've read my profile you know a little bith about my history. but " not so much".
In this first entry of a series I will give all the details i can think of from my early childhood to my life today.

well, you know the story of my birth but did i tell you that i spent the first nine months of my life at my grandparents house. yeah, a month after i was born my mom had a mental brake down and went to Westbrook mental institution. I have a few memories from there. like lying in my crib staring at the mobile in amazment wondering why it went around. my grandmother has a few good stories about me as a infint one being when she was teaching me how to walk. she said that one of the first times a took more than one step she was on the other side of the kitchen and i was by the thing with the plates in it. She kept calling to me tell me to walk and that it'll be ok. when i first began to walk i stared right at her ( i dont remember this but this is how the storie goes), but, when i got distracted by the table or something i fell down. she always compared this to peter steping toward jesus on the water. ( thats my grandmother for you)
I also remember being like 2 years old nad riding on my dads back as they climbed old rag mountain. ( I have a picture from one such event)
most of the memories close to that are ones that effect me deaply because they are memories of my parents fighting.
Once when i was around the same age my family went on a camping trip to the the beach. all, i remember is sitting in my car seat in the back of the Goose with it raining outside. i heard lots of screaming and my sibling talking feverishly. after that the car door apruptly opened my dad and mom sit down, slam the doors and the leave for home. another time i remember playing with my sibling in the living room of our house and watching nick at night. my parents were in the kitchen with the door closed. i didnt really no what was going on but i think my siblings did. anyway. i crawl through the door and into my dads lap. my mom is crying and i see a ring on the table after that, I remember my dad packing a suitcase and leaving.

stay tuned for part 2 in a few days.

Current mood: weird

Tuesday, July 8, 2003

6:53PM - Ok so here's an idea!

have you heard of those sleep number beds? the ones where you can set the firmness of your bed to match your confort level.
well, as i was cooking in the kitchen where work i came upon an idea. I wonder how many people would buy a " confort seat" ? the confort seat would be a toilet seat that you can set to match your own confort level while you errr- sit! It would have a built in air conpressor under the bowl so you could set it to your confort level using a number system on the remote control.
My friend John and i came up with this whole marketing plan for it.
the marketing slogan the we came up with goes as such : The Confort seat, the only toilet that gives you more choices than just #1 one or #2. ( hahahah)
women- " my husbands seat confort number is 44 and mine is 53 but using the handles mounted on the sides and the remote control memory setting I can change ti in seconds.
Husband- I no longer have to read the paper when i go. the seat is so confy it just comes on out. (ewwww)
let me know what you think.

Current mood: inventive

Sunday, July 6, 2003

11:50PM - the sweetest form of goodbye ( song)

I want to walk beside you,
I want to see your face,
I want to get to know you,
to see you in this place,

but you set the cross before me,
before I even knew,
that love can mean a friendship,
and that it can mean you.

I wonder where we're going,
I want to see it all anew,
to grasp life in my fingers,
to hold it there with you,

Current mood: artistic

Monday, June 30, 2003

9:44AM - I wish life were easy

I wish that I could feel as good as a want. I wish that my life wasnt governed my circumstances and finding my place.
I want to feel whole. I want to feel loved.
I wish that somethings didnt confuse me as much as they do. I want to find where his will takes me and live in it.
but what do wants and wishes get you if you dont make an effort to make them come to pass. should i just wait for these things to come to me? or should I go try to find them my self?
these questions haunt me today.

Current mood: blah

Wednesday, June 4, 2003

10:11PM

Hi! I'm Jordan and I'm a wack whore.

I don't really update that often, because of the fact that I lack any motivation what so ever. I needed to come here to write about an awesome girl I know. Her name is Shelly, and I totally sweat her. She's a fun loving girl who always knows what to say. I'm not much of a talker, but she brings out the wild and crazy fool that I am.


All joking aside, she's wonderful. We're going to VCU together, so one day we can get married and live happily ever after. Who needs Mary when you can have a Shelly?

This entry has been brought to you by the lovely and talented Jordan.

Saturday, May 3, 2003

1:22AM - Full Circle

Its about 1:23 in the morning now, i just got home from practicing music and having fun with the Swanford brass. Its an odd cicle of ups and downs this life. so many good things, and so many bad things can all happen in a matter of days. I feel sometimes that life is too much and that I should really just stay in bed before something else happens. But, then think that even if i stay in bed a wasp will probably fly through the crack in my window and sting me. But, really the matter at hand is where would i be without my life? what effect have the experiences of my life had on me?
Are there answers to these questions?
(I wish that i was a mutant with a great memory and i could be named recall. and hopefully i will be taken to the acedemy and told how to live in this world as a mutant.)

As i was driving home tonight I was listening to Rocketman by Elton John ont the radio, I drove by a big truck and smelled the fumes of the deasel fule combusting within the engine and it made me think of bus trips with the band: the excitment, the random conversation, the people, my friends, "the stand tunes," Mr. hughs, being a freshman in pure wonderment of the whole thing, and allthe the other nostalgic memories brought to mind by simply smelling the fumes from a tow truck, amazing!I soon felt how lucky i was to have experienced these things. sometimes i wish that i could go experience them again. but would they be the same. knowing what i know now and having had different experiences that were not so prfound would it be as great, as beautiful as it was in my mind? or has the progression of time simply corrupted the beautiful?
some times i feel all this pain rush through me and i dont know where it comes from. Pain that one would feel after they lost the big game, or even pain that one feels when they know they will never see their best friend ever again. where do they come from? i think sometimes i go through painful experiences but just shrug them off and push them asside as if they never happend. i dont deal with them properly. like when you have a skin infection and you dont treat it, it ussually leaves a scar that is painful to touch for years. but, you dont notice it till something bumps it the wrong way, i have one of those on my knee from a skating accident in 7th grade.
My life experiences have left me full of scars, full of pain and full of nostalgic experiences that bring joy to my heart when i think about them. All, these things within the short period of my life. 18 years isnt that long and it seems like everyday i see that i have a long future ahead of me. I feel like at 18 i have gone full circle from pain to joy to saddness and to nostalgia, but when I'm 50 will have i lapped the circle many times? or are there more pieces to the great pie of life that I am yet to discover?
I appologise to all of you that wanted to here some real juices life stories from the past couple of days.

ok, mission for ya.
tell, me story of a exerience in your life recent or of the past that has impacted you... even if its as simple as driving by a tow truck.

Current mood: indescribable

Tuesday, April 29, 2003

10:03PM - April 18th

well,
sring break will be over soon and i will have to go back to the old grind of school. oh well, that just means that i will be 7 weeks closer to gradation! YAY!
but, you know the next couple of weeks wont be so bad. I mean I'll have a couple tests in school and in life it self. My EMT exam is on thursday and i will probably get their 2 minutes before they close the doors and scare my asthmatic partner half to death. but she'll get over it and we will do fine.
My good friend shelly is probably going to get all paranoid because she will think that i dont like her or something for reasons that I am unaware of, but we all know that just like saying that i am afraid that Miss feliciani is being nice too me: complete none-sense. because shelly is a great friend and I would really miss her if she was gone.
on the 28th ill probably go over to my Dads house for his birthday and watch one of his favorite movies that happenstance would have come on T.V that night ( Feild of dream.) and the 29 th well whose knows but I sure hope that Robert D. Raiford talks about how much he misses the simpler days when stress was not a part of everyday life. And, I hope that he says that Yuppies and their cell phones and purposly overly busy lives enduce stress on themselvs and the world around them and how empty they must feel.yeah, that would just make my day.
yeah, lifes pretty good. once you look past all the gobullygouk.

ok
so, question of the day:

according to the theories about exponents and what not x to the 0 power equals 1. so going by this theory, does happiness to the 0 power equal 1 aswell? or does math fail to justify the ways of actuall life?

Current mood: grateful

10:03PM - April 19th

well,
sring break will be over soon and i will have to go back to the old grind of school. oh well, that just means that i will be 7 weeks closer to gradation! YAY!
but, you know the next couple of weeks wont be so bad. I mean I'll have a couple tests in school and in life it self. My EMT exam is on thursday and i will probably get their 2 minutes before the close the doors and scare my asthmatic partner half to death. but she'll get over it and we will do fine.
My good friend shelly is probably going to get all paranoid because she will think that i dont like her or something for reasons that I am unaware of, but we all know that just like saying that i am afraid that Miss feliciani is being nice too me: complete none-sense. because shelly is a great friend and I would really miss her if she was gone.
on the 28th ill probably go over to my Dads house for his birthday and watch one of his favorite movies that happenstance would have come on T.V that night ( Feild of dream.) and the 29 th well whose knows but I sure hope that Robert D. Raiford talks about how much he misses the simpler days when stress was not a part of everyday life. And, I hope that he says that Yuppies and their cell phones and purposly overly busy lives enduce stress on themselvs and the world around them and how empty they must feel.yeah, that would just make my day.
yeah, lifes pretty good. once you look past all the gobullygouk.

ok
so, question of the day:

according to the theories about exponents and what not x to the 0 power equals 1. so going by this theory, does happiness to the 0 power equal 1 aswell? or does math fail to justify the ways of actuall life?

Current mood: grateful

Friday, April 18, 2003

10:32PM - April 17th,

hello again,
today has been an odd sort of day, I really didnt have much to do except sleep and go to work at 1700 hrs. But I decided to pretend like i was doing something constructive and go buy some new cloths. yes how exciting. well i went to work and at 5:00 dreding every second of it but was surprised when i got there and didnt really feel like excretion. i ended up actually making $30.00 in tips without actually having very many tables, probably because my mom and brother came in and left me a larger than deserving tip.but, o'well i dont mind. hehe

Tommarow will be a weird day, i will probably work on an als provider and go on lots of calls to people with abdominal pain and constipation, oh and one traffic accident at the intersection of I95 and 295.

ok so the question of today will be.

how many left turns does it take to go the right way?

Current mood: restructurmentated

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